Borderline Personality Disorder?
Startet av RainbowCrash
ett år siden
I feel really happy sometimes. So happy that I can't hold in my laughter. I hate my laughter and imediatly shame myself. Sometimes I just smile and feel happy and I get a rush of despair that zaps all the colors right out of me. I feel so sad I want to cry and everything feels like it is a dream and I am just a bistander of my own life. Everything feels so far away, but still my emotions are too strong. I don't get a little happy, I feel a positive energy boosting my confidence until it reaches heaven. I don't get a little sad, I fall down from my happiness, clutch my hurting troat and endlessly close and open my burning eyes and can't stop crying. Then slowly it fades away and I am left with nothingness and a deep feeling of emtiness. If a friend says something funny or kind I am right back to smiling. Someone looks at me weird and I will feel bad and analyse it the whole day and wonder if I did something and it was my fault. A little bit of injustice and I am so angry my body is trembling with energy and I have to hurt myself to get some of the bad energy out. Having these emotions all the time is tiring and I constantly have to focus and pretend I am another person to supress all of them and live a normal life. I am always so scared of being judged and that I will loose control. I wish I would have the guts to see a psychologist or something like that, but I'm so scared they will say this is normal. I do not want to be dramatic and over-react, but if I try to talk about this most people listen, but do not actually care or think its important. It worries me and sometimes I can be almost suicidal because of everything that is going on in my mind and I started a bit of self harm. I know I shouldn't, but I cannot bring myself to care. I am so lost sometimes. I think a diagnosis would really help me because I would have something to work on. But now? I feel like everybody is just ignoring me and fake-smiling. I really do not want to bring attention upon myself, but what else can I do if nobody listens when I casually bring it up? I'm so sorry that this was a bit long, but I do not really know how to explain how I feel.